Excerpt #1

 "How Do You Know When It's Time To Get Counseling?"

Kathy and KJ’s Top Ten Countdown: Things that tell us it’s time to get some help

10: Someone important to you has suggested that counseling could really be of benefit to you.

We don’t mean that someone told you you’re nuts for starting your own business or you’re crazy for dating someone you met on-line. We’ve done both of those. It ain’t crazy!

We mean someone saying something like, “You know, I really worry about you sometimes. Have you ever thought about getting some help? Like going to see a therapist?” If that question comes out of the mouth of someone who cares about you and what happens to you, pause and ask yourself what it is about you that might make them ask you that. Or ask them, “What makes you worry about me?” Get some information from them. Sometimes we are so blinded by the truth that we can’t see it. We need our friends and loved ones to point out the issues stuck in our blind spot. “Well, it just seems like you’ve been really isolating yourself lately. You don’t want to go out with us anymore, and I haven’t seen you smile in weeks.” That kind of information coming from someone who loves you is a clear sign that it’s time to talk to somebody about what’s going on in your life.

9: You’re having a hard time getting out of bed, taking a shower, being part of the world.

Ugh. Exhausted all day, don’t want to talk to anyone, not interested in food or maybe overly-interested in food, haven’t cleaned the house, or your body, of late, and the thought of going outside to get your mail just makes you want to fall back into the deep sleep you’ve been in of late. You look at your escape key on your keyboard and wish it would take you away.

8: You feel stuck, as in picture yourself in a bell jar of molasses unable to move--stuck.

We have been there. It is so very easy to get stuck. You may feel like you can’t find that ideal partner, or job, or career. You don’t know which direction to head toward or what door to open. It may seem like everyone else’s lives are moving at the speed of light toward their wonderful destiny while you are looking around at your own in slow motion.

7: You just took that life stress test (the PERI Life Events Scale) and scored off the chart.

You know that quiz. It’s in every introduction to psychology textbook and many magazines. If you don’t know the quiz, check it out in the appendix. This is the quiz that asks us if we’ve recently lost a loved one. Moved? Lost your job? Had a baby? All of those points are adding up and it makes you feel like having a panic attack!

6: You find yourself doing things in extremes, like eating when you aren’t hungry, drinking and getting drunk on a regular basis, shopping and maxing out your credit cards…

Yep. We understand. We more than understand, we personally know. How often do we find ourselves sitting with an empty bag of something in our lap wondering where all that enter your favorite binge food here has gone? We know this one so well that our own libraries are stocked with books that have told us what we all know so well; we can eat one more chocolate filled whatever it is and we still won’t fill the void in our hearts. We can buy those shoes that are so gorgeous and still feel horrible. We’ll drink to forget only to wake up and remember all the stuff we’re avoiding. That ever challenging relationship we have with the issues in our life that we try to avoid can make us feel distraught and depressed.

5: You’ve recently learned of your family history with mental illness and want to explore how that may be impacting you.

This can be a heavy one. Finding out that depression has been a leaf on every branch of your family tree is no easy discovery. That information can make us feel dizzy with worry or can be a motivator for finding out if what we’re struggling with has anything to do with our family history.

Let’s say that your aunt died of breast cancer and you know that this puts you at risk for having breast cancer. You would bring this up to your doctor and do what you could to decrease your risk. If you did have cancer you would get any medical assistance possible. And what if you are diagnosed with diabetes? Your doctor tells you that you must begin taking insulin daily for the rest of your life. You would learn how to give yourself insulin shots and do what is needed to maintain your health.

And so it is with mental illness. Finding out that mental illness is part of your family history can be overwhelming and quite scary. There is often not the kind of social support for someone diagnosed with mental illness that there is for someone diagnosed with cancer. We know this isn’t easy, to think that since mom is bipolar and I’m moody, that maybe I’m bipolar too. It isn’t easy, and it is a good idea to get support in case you experience and have questions about it.

4: You can’t seem to be in a healthy, intimate relationship that lasts.

You date, commit, break-up and then start all over again. There is nothing wrong with that, unless you feel like you want something else in your life. Perhaps you’re in the place where you avoid dating and committing because you can’t bear the experience of breaking-up any longer. Counseling can be a great way to work on how you relate to others and what roles you play within your relationships. A counselor can assist you in exploring why you choose to fall in love with the same kinds of people who repeatedly break your heart, or help you change your behaviors that lead you to all the break-ups.

3: You cry. You cry a lot and often and sometimes for what seems to be no reason.

This is not the “I just watched Jerry McGuire say ‘you complete me’” type of cry or the “someone I love just died” kind of cry. We mean the wake up crying, go to bed crying, crying all day kind of cry. Any kind of emotion that you find yourself feeling in extremes, other than joy, is a sign that something isn’t quite right. You could find yourself angry and aggressive constantly, or perhaps you feel numb 24/7. Feeling like you can’t find balance or feel “normal” or just okay can mean it’s time to get some help to figure out what’s going on and how to change it.

We’d like to add a little side note here to suggest how to define what is or isn’t normal. We believe that normal is a very subjective term and can be defined by you and only you. If you are usually a person who sees the world in a positive way and can deal with the hard days and enjoy the great days, then your “normal” would not include days on end of crying without being able to console yourself. “Normal” for you would not be thinking of ways to end your life or trying to find ways to numb yourself through drugs or alcohol. If your normal isn’t what is used to be and you’re struggling to find your way back to it, counseling may be the map to help you get out of the woods.

2: You’re coming out to yourself or to the world.

Coming out can mean a lot of things to a lot of people. We’re talking about the various kinds of coming out. Maybe you’ve struggled with an addiction and feel it’s time to tell your loved ones what’s going on in your life. Perhaps you are gay, lesbian, bisexual and/or transgender, and figuring out how to talk to your parents about it can cause you anxiety. You could be a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and are just discovering this yourself and want to talk to your sister about her memories. All of these coming-out type of experiences can be rough to go through, even for those with a lot of support. A therapist can help you explore coming out and assist us in making a plan. Therapists can refer you to other sources of support within your communities. Think of them as people who can connect you to a large resource of help.

And Kathy and KJ’s number one sign that tells us it’s time to get some help…

1: You know it in your heart.

Your spirit tells you, your brain tells you, your psyche tells you: the time has come to get some help. It is that unavoidable feeling, (although we will try our damndest to avoid it), that something is afoot in our lives, something is so not right, and we have got to talk about it to someone who can help us. It’s a true Ah-ha moment when you just know and make the commitment to get some help.